That's exactly a moment what I had when I heard about plans for (and I'm being deadly serious here) a Japan charity LP. Artists like Rihanna, Lady PhoneHead and Just-a Haircut would be featuring on an album to raise proceeds for the disruption in Japan thanks to a very nasty and rude earthquake under the Pacific Ocean right next to the Japanese coast (just in case you hadn't heard). Well, we've seen these charity songs and albums before; they generally consist of big name rich musical stars taking time out of their busy schedules to record two-and-a-half lines of Everybody Hurts or whatever, ultimately making what is essentially a shite cover version with the intention of giving the proceeds to some disaster or another that's in the news. The problem I have with these charity things doesn't just amount to that fact that we've suddenly got a crap version of a classic song suddenly in the media's attention being overplayed to the point it makes your ears want to crawl off, but that all of this could be easily avoided if those celebrities were to stop preaching to us poor folk about how we should "dig deep and give even though financial times are tough" and, oh I dunno, just inject their own inexplicable fortunes into whatever cause they've been told to yabber on about.
The origin of all this came from the, quite frankly classic, Do They Know It's Christmas? for Band Aid, created in an attempt to bring Africa out of poverty, and probably let them know what it's like to have snow since they don't get it at Christmas time (or ever, for that matter). It's become a classic not just for the fact that it's a Christmas song but iconic as it brought together musicians trying to do something decent for a good cause. But ever since then, the same song has been revived by two (not one, two!) different collections of whoever's current at the time. Somehow this has diminished the value of it all while the song still remains listenable to, even if only for the way Dizzee Rascal added some extra rappy bits (cos he's fly and ting, or something).
The problem I have with the 'charity single', though, is that lately it's virtually become more of a preachy cover song by whoever's current and available at the time and wants to look like they care. And more often than not it's orchestrated by someone like Simon friggin' Cowell. Way back in the depths of fifteen months ago, Haiti was struck with a soul-crushing earthquake that left many people homeless and clinging to life. In the following weeks, our ears were violated by every-fucking-body under Cowell's guidance and Jon Bon Jovi (for some reason) bleating out a rendition of the classic R.E.M. track that could drive any miserable old fucker out of this realm and into the ethereal whateverness that lies beyond.
Furthermore, to add insult to injury (quite literally), ol' square-hair's had the brainwave of getting each year's X Factor contestants (most of whom can't fucking sing at the best of times) to cover some shit or other vaguely related to war amputees, presumably because a Glee Cast-esque "ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-etc." rendition of Don't Stop Believin' might be deemed inappropriate when accompanied with the montage of people who've had various bits severed off them all in the name of
Why do the rich folk of the bigger industries - who I imagine lounge around in one of their twelve L.A. beach condominiums made of diamond encrusted gold bricks and have a box of fifty's in the bathroom instead of toilet paper - preach to the factory workers, checkout operators and dole-ites of the world to give their money to a charitable cause? Surely it would be easier if they just did it and didn't inflict such crimes against sound (not even music, sound) upon the world. Two birds, one hypothetical murdering implement.
Anyway, enough of that rant, because while the 'charity singles' are created for specific causes, this recent LP to raise money for getting Japan back on track (somehow) actually consists of no special track in particular, but is instead a compilation album of songs that you could get anywhere else anyway! There's the usual suspects: Lennon's Imagine, Foo Fighters' My Hero, and Elton's Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me but even they're stretching it a bit in terms of relevance to a mahoosive natural disaster. So, could someone please explain to me how the fucking hell Rihanna's Only Girl In The World, Pink's Sober and Use Somebody by Kings Of Leon constitute as relevant tracks for something called Songs For Japan... cos I frickin' gagged when I saw the tracklist. If you'd like to gag/laugh/cry/sit-open-mouthed/shake-your-head-and-tut at the full thing, click this bit o' purple. Maybe I've slipped into some parallel universe where things just aren't supposed to make sense anymore, but the whole thing read less like a charity CD and seems more like a Now! 58 - Tsunami Special.
Or maybe it's a case of playing each song in reverse to hear the secret hidden messages telling you to "give every penny you have" and "fellate Simon Cowell" (yeah, I still don't like the fucker).
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