Where Science Steps In

The world's finally started paying attention to the obscure theories I keep locked up in my silent mind. Well I say "theories", plural, but specifically all I'm noticing right now is one theory, singular. In case you hadn't noticed (or in case you're not currently in the UK which, this being the Internet, you're probably not), it's cold. It's very very cold. Colder than it should be for the beginning of February. So much so that I've finally resorted to leaning against radiators which refuse to go higher than 17°C and wearing four layers of clothing just to keep my body temperature feeling somewhat normal.

So my theory? Yes, I shall reveal. For the last few years I've not been able to shake the feeling that the typical seasons of the year are disobeying the timeframes that we as a humankind have imposed unto them and are shifting about of their own free will. Of course, this is the point in the ramble where science steps in and goes "Hey, I'm Science" and delivers a lecture containing long jargonistic words, possibly in the dulcet Mancunian tones of Professor Brian Cox. Unfortunately my brain doesn't possess enough accurate scientific knowledge to fully explain the situation so I'm afraid you'll just have to settle for a pseudo-scientific explanation of what I think, in my little head, what's happening here. Observe:

Earth spins round and round and round in unknowable large vacuous space along an invisible line around giant star we humans call "Sun", except there is no line, we made that up. We pretended there's a line that Earth follows like a track all the way around Sun and we called it "orbit" because if we didn't we couldn't teach children in schools about the way space works or something. Anyway, Earth completes one lap of this invisible, imaginary track every 365 or so days give or take a few hours or something, but for the sake of mathematics we just stick to whole numbers like 365 and every so often make up for all those extra hours with an extra day in February thus confusing people born on the 29th of February as to when they can celebrate their birthday. Basically, because we simpleton humans can only function using whole numbers when it comes to how we experience time, a notion which we invented, our approximations are never accurate in accordance with the amount of time it actually takes for stuff to move around in space. I could go on about how days are actually only about 23 hours, 56 minutes and 4 seconds long but fear that might explode your mind if it wasn't already dribbling out of your ears right now. Anyway, because the actuality of stuff happening in the universe doesn't conform to our exact specifications, the timings of things can be slightly off. Based on that principle, my thoughts shift towards how the traditional seasons of the year are, themselves, shifting into different points on the calendars what we made.

I'd noticed that typically we northern-hemisphere dwellers experience the Winter period beginning in December, before it reaches its peak in January and finally dwindles over the course of February. By this logic, and designating each of the four seasons to a block of three months over the course of the year, Spring has taken charge of the March-April-May period, Summer; June-July-August, and Autumn (or "Fall" for non-English people which, quite frankly, is a stupid name for a season... Autumn sounds vaguely mystical and deep whereas Fall is what expensive ornaments do when knocked off mantelpieces) reigns over the September-October-November portion of our Gregorian method of counting. However, over the last few years, Summer has strayed from the path and normally takes until late July to reach us now. Still, to make up for its lost time, it likes to stick around until September now, meaning that Autumn doesn't get a look in until October and wants to stay to see Christmas and maybe (if its parents let it stay up late enough) New Year too. Winter doesn't come along until January now, but even then it merely begins as a mild breeze before the peak of the big freeze hits around February, i.e. now.

According to this preposterous, non-factual deduction of mine, we're now experiencing Winter later (or much much earlier if you like to approach your calendar from a strictly linear viewpoint) and by my reasoning, we're doomed to experience more minus-numbers, climbing gas bills and ponders of whether it's actually going to snow or not until mid-March, which would be fantastic if it wasn't for all the assignment deadlines I'm currently facing and not doing due to low morale, lack of food and being frozen in the same spot for twenty-two hours a day.

For goodness sake, I've only got 1 hour, 56 minutes and 4 seconds to get stuff done now.