Two days after the Games started, a bunch of people in the capital have decided to don some costumes, do some dances, make noises and maybe set off a firework or three. The whole thing is expected to last some fifteen hours, twelve-and-a-half of which will consist of athletes from every country on the planet and even parts beyond walking into a stadium in single file carrying flags. It seems long, drawn out and pointless, but it's tradition, and what is the point in anything without tradition? Nothing. That's what. Without traditions, our little ball of rock just tumbles relentlessly through space and nothing makes any sense. Very much like this preamble.
Anyway, London's most recent bash at hosting a few weeks worth of Modern Olympics kicked off at 9pm (that's in British time, obviously). I blabbered on about it here from that time. If anyone didn't follow any of it, fear not. I have an accurate portrayal of the entire event as seen through my eyes and according to my brain right here. And for your chronological reading convenience, you don't have to start at the bottom and work your way up.
18:30 I posted this. Now I'm going to do other things with my life for the next two-and-a-half hours. More words will appear here from about 20:55.
20:55 See. I told you I'd be back now. Anyway, the show's about to begin and I must stress that some bits of what I blather on about stem from the BBC's coverage of the ceremony in the UK. If you happen to be in another country watching the broadcast on another station... well... how did you find me? But never mind that, just bear with me and we'll all get along fine.
21:01 Isles of Wonder is the name of Danny Boyle's directorial stadium-based stage show type thing. Of course, in the recent future, it will be referred to as "that mound of grass with livestock and dancers on it".
21:03 A confused chopped up playlist of British music, a epileptic nightmare through a tunnel and people reciting decreasing numbers. It's what we do best.
21:05 As this sole choir boy sings, I can't help but get flashes back to Beijing.
21:07 Coming to you live from the eighteenth century, the 2012 Olympics, sponsored by Dickens.
21:10 Sorry, I just got schooled on literature by a Welsh newsreader. Ahem. Shakespeare sponsors these Olympics. As do druids bashing tin cans.
21:11 Oops. I feared this might happen. I was too busy typing stuff here that I missed the tree lifting off and the villagers pouring out of the hill's gaping wound.
21:14 Okay, I had a hunch there'd be interpretive dance at some point in tonight's proceedings. Little did I think such moves would be performed by blokes in bowler hats and mutton chops.
21:16 So basically, History classes in school are now going to just show this to pupils every year to explain Britain throughout the 20th Century.
21:18 Oh, those bails of corn are obviously plastic. God, you think they could've at least put some effort in!
21:19 I don't remember the Beatles being present during the Industrial Revolution. Then again, there's a lot of the Industrial Revolution I don't remember anyway.
21:23 Golden rings fly across the stadium to form the Olympic logo... people on the ground are still desperately trying to steal focus.
21:25 It's a very British thing for the cast to applaud the audience afterwards. And now, some stereotypical images of London and quaint poshness.
21:27 Fair play to them, they managed to get the Queen to play along. And here was me thinking Royalty and "sense of humour" didn't mix.
21:29 That helicopter's going at a snail's pace now compared to that little film.
21:31 Okay, a stunt Queen just launched from a helicopter. That made both myself and my dad audible chuckle. An utter rarity. But my my, she's recovered well after her little parachute jump.
21:34 Considering they're a signing choir, you'd expect they'd show them on the TV rather than a slowly ascending flag.
21:37 All of these patients are still in their beds on a day trip to the Olympic Stadium. They've been promised if they survive the night, they can have double pudding when they get back.
21:38 On the face of it, this may look like a swingdance routine as an ode to the NHS. It's really just us boasting to the US that we have free healthcare.
21:40 Here she is. This extract comes from the next Potter novel: Harry Potter and the Oh I Don't Care Any More, I'm F**king Loaded.
21:42 I don't recognise the voice of the BBC commentator woman so I can't name and shame her, but she's just called Voldemort "Voldemart" like he's a chain supermarket or something. Tsk. Muggles!
21:44 I miss the grassy mound and the rocket-ship tree.
21:46 As a side note, my dad keeps interjecting the show every 47 seconds with phrases akin to "God, this is boring", "What is this crap?", "What's going on here?", "Why are we watching this?" whilst still watching. Just wait 'til we get to the Parade of Nations.
21:47 It's always funny hearing English names in the middle of the French announcements.
21:50 It only took 48 minutes, but Rowan Atkinson's appearance has made me actively want to take notice of the TV rather than the computer screen. For that I apologise for any typos in this bit. I'm noit really looking at the keyboard right now.
21:51 Ooh, only one typo in that bit. Clearly I'm better at typing than I previously thought.
21:52 In hindsight, they really should've got Boris Johnson doing that.
21:55 Now our history lesson has reached the modern day, and we've got TV programmes, status updates and a kid with a Nintendo DS to prove it.
21:58 Every audience member has a radio controlled LED pad assigned to their individual seats, meaning that we can get a living video wall throughout the show. Looks mighty stunning, but I can't help but blame Coldplay for this.
22:00 This representation of the 70s in music is starting to look a bit like the Rocky Horror Picture Show after a mild stroke.
22:01 Why are there people in the crowd wearing 3D glasses? It's real life. Real life IS 3D!
22:02 This is probably the only point in life you'll ever see Punk transform into a neon rave.
22:04 Well, the Chinese might've had synchronised drummers, but we have people raving to Firestarter.
22:07 Dizzee Rascal not actually singing Bonkers there. But it's okay, having him sing live would've probably just been a complete migraine for all the techies involved.
22:11 Now a compilation of flames running around the world. Obviously the flames themselves aren't running. Fire isn't anthropomorphic enough to own legs capable of doing so. But people run whilst holding beacons of fire. That's close enough, right?
22:13 David Beckham driving a speedboat? Now I've seen everything. Well, not everything, but I've certainly seen one more thing than I had previously.
22:15 And to commemorate the dearly departed, a giant yellow ball (for some reason).
22:18 With all the young musicians taking part in the ceremony tonight, I bet Heather Small's sat at home stifling herself with a pillow and softly humming Proud to herself.
22:19 Some mad interpretive ball dancing... for some reason.
22:21 Aha, here we go. The Parade!
22:22 As per tradition, Greece march out first. And what is life without tradition?
22:24 From here on in, with the exception of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, all of the competing nations enter in alphabetical order according to English name. Ooh, look at me getting all informative. I feel like I need to say something mean to compensate. Ahem. What's American Samoa?!
22:25 With the repetition of each country in French and English, I'm finding myself to resist the urge to follow them up with douze points.
22:27 Australia enter looking like a Sixth Form college from Dorset.
22:28 Mr. Greece has finally made his way around the stadium. He can go home to bed now.
22:30 And that's the A's out of the way. Rest of the alphabet to follow.
22:31 The Bangladeshi flagbearer nearly knocked out the bowl-carrying girl there. By the way, why are there kids carrying bowls?
22:33 At this rate, by the time we get to Venezuela you'll be begging for the sweet release of death.
22:34 Bolivia's flagbearer straight out of Dora the Explorer there.
22:38 The grassy mound plays host to the flags once they've done the rounds. I'm guessing the athletes themselves jump into the crater left by the rocket tree.
22:39 Team Cameroon have come dressed as carpets. Still... tradition.
22:41 Without wanting to sound geographically retarded or at all xenophobic, I swear they're just making up countries now.
22:42 Judging by the number of Chinese athletes who just entered, I can't help but think: "Well, they've won".
22:45 I'm informed that the bowls the kids are carrying are, in fact, copper kettles. Their purpose is still unknown.
22:49 In North Korea, the entire broadcast of the of the Opening Ceremony consisted of those 25 seconds.
22:51 On a personal note, dad has left the room. He made it all the way up to the D's, falling just short of Ecuador.
22:53 The techie's iPod shuffle plugged into the speaker system has finally stumbled across Adele. It was only a matter of time.
22:55 They have to be called Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia because there's a region of Greece called Macedonia and the Greeks don't like FYROM using the name on its own. See, don't say you don't learn things here.
22:57 And Georgia's flag is similar to the flag of England because of connections to the patrol saint of both countries, Saint George. I'm just brimming with education now.
23:02 Haiti and Liechtenstein have similar flags which now bear ensigns after the two countries appeared at a previous Olympics with exactly the same flag. Okay, I learned that from The Big Bang Theory, but still, it's educational.
23:04 Independent athletes compete without a flag. Mostly these are athletes from the recently dissolved Netherlands Antilles and Kuwait, which is banned from its own Olympic representation. On another note, I'm bored of facts now. I'm going to start making some up.
23:07 Usain Bolt is statistically faster than seven cheetahs combined and is taller than God.
23:08 The Jordanians have come dressed as witches.
23:10 The South Koreans are off to go boating after this.
23:11 Lebanon's flag has a tree on it. Yes, I'm back to facts, but they're a bit thin on the ground.
23:12 Libya have entered with their new flag, adopted after the fall of Gaddafi. Before it, their flag was green. Literally, just green.
23:13 Madagascar, unfortunately, is not represented by penguins, nor a hypochondriac giraffe voiced by David Schwimmer.
23:16 Am I the only one imagining a man and woman locked in a booth with a microphone and a list of countries, competing with each other to be loud in what is essentially a game of "Bogies"?
23:19 Also, in the middle of all the French translation, it's struck me that I don't think I've seen France yet. And we're at M.
23:21 Nepal has the only national flag in the world which isn't a standard rectangle.
23:22 No eagles were harmed in the making of the New Zealand flagbearing cape. Except for the one that was harmed in the making of that cape.
23:25 It's official, there's no room left on that hill for any more flags. Everyone else'll have to go home, come back and try again tomorrow.
23:26 In the interest of irony, they're playing ELO's Mr. Blue Sky at half eleven at night.
23:28 Oo-er missus. Someone at the IOC's been at the champagne a bit early there.
23:29 Well, I say early, but I've had a drink too by this point so I can't criticise. Somehow I'm still typing coherently.
23:30 Russia's come dressed as Canada.
23:31 Saint Vincent and the Grenadines sounds like the name of a Christian pop band formed in Devon circa 1983.
23:36 According to the schedules, there's only an hour of this left to go. I'm not sure if that serves as a blessing or a damning harsh reminder.
23:38 The folks in the Royal Box have given up and have resorted to idle gossip.
23:40 Swaziland is Switzerland for mildly dyslexic people.
23:41 Switzerland is Swaziland for people who like skiing.
23:43 Chinese Taipei is really Taiwan, but because of some political dispute in China over its many territories, Taiwan has to compete under a modified name in the Olympics.
23:46 It's just struck me that quite a lot of athletes have entered dressed as airline attendants. But now I should stop talking about what people are wearing. I'm positively sounding like a woman. I'm really just jealous that they've come wearing the same thing as me.
23:47 We're up to the U's. Expect a lot of United countries to show up shortly.
23:52 Sleep deprivation has different effects on people. For example, the American team have descended into psychotic madness whilst the British Prime Minister stares gormlessly out into the crowd.
23:53 Venezuela. You begging to be smacked over the head with a brick yet? No? Well you made it. Stick around. Just a handful of teams left, then a bunch of hoo-hah over what to do with the flame.
23:54 If that girl's to be believed, Zambia, in French, is "Zombie".
23:56 Team GB appear dressed in their freshly Daz'd linens, while Her Majesty seems to miserably Tweet about it.
23:59 Only half of Team GB is actually at the stadium. Many are preparing for early morning events or competing in venues outside of London.
00:01 204 nations have somehow made it, and so far we're yet to face a technical hitch, act of fundamental extremism or thunderstorm. We do, however, have to put up with the Arctic Monkeys for a bit. I thought they split up years ago anyway.
00:04 Looking at the sheer scale of the stadium, the fireworks, the lights, the audience screen things and the big farm in the middle, I can't help but think: "what would the French've done for this?" Either way, IN YOUR FACE, PARIS!
00:05 Cycling neon angels now, yet still no sign of fire.
00:07 *ting, ting, ting* Speech! Speech!!!
00:09 With all those international athletes mingling in the centre, this looks like the world's biggest Fresher's party.
00:13 Every sentence ends with a ripple of applause and cheer. At this rate, these speeches'll go on 'til next Tuesday.
00:16 Someone in there should start a "we want Boris" chant.
00:18 I wonder if the Queen'll flash a smile.
00:19 Blimey that was quick! She wasn't messing about was she?
00:22 Ali, boom-ai-ay. At least, that's what I think the chant is.
00:25 Steve Redgrave gets ready to run the Olympic torch into the stadium.
00:28 Getting all the legalities and declarations out of the way, i.e. stalling for time while the flame gets power-walked into the stadium.
00:35 So, that's what the kettles were for. They make up the cauldron.
00:39 I find it really sweet that in the spirit of the "Inspire A Generation" motto, the cauldron was entrusted to the next generation of young athletes rather than one famous Olympian. Still, after tonight, fans of Doctor Who canon are going to be thoroughly pissed; the crowd didn't disappear, David Tennant hasn't lit the cauldron. I bet there isn't even a street called Dame Kelly Holmes Close.
00:40 Now Macca'll be on for seven hours, six-and-a-half of which will consist of "na-na-na-na, Hey Jude" ad infinitum.
00:49 By the sounds of it, that's it. Eccentric, innovative, sweet and touching, a spectacle and undoubtedly British. Chinese synchronicity can bugger off. Rio can do a carnival if they want. But this presentation well and truly presents us well. I'm off to bed, but not before a pee break, which I've been holding in since Papua New Guinea.
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