...And A Crappy New Year

Two years ago now-ish (during that period of New Year where it's technically 2012 but still feels like yesterday night), a friend of mine in touch with their spiritual side told me I'd find love very soon, offering the only timeframe of "before 2015". Please bear in mind my brain was still swimming in Jack Daniel's and there's a very good chance I've simply invented this portion of the night just to give myself some delusional sense of security. In fact, I brought this event up with that same anonymous friend some time later and was met with denial of such a conversation ever taking place. My friend then went on to blame the consumption of alcohol for the fickleness of memory, and considering we were the only sentient beings present at the time of the supposed conversation, I think I can say with all certainty that there can be absolutely no certainty as to what actually happened that night. Hell, we could've rented unicycles, thrown them into a shark-infested river and sang long lost hits of the Spice Girls at the top of our lungs whilst spinning around uncontrollably for all I know. In my version of events though, I was prophesised to be single for no longer than three more years, and despite the fact that I'm far more sceptical of divination and psychic predictions now than I ever have been, I've found that I still seem to be clinging onto that thought for dear life. And it seems I'm clinging onto that vague sense of optimism quite simply because the alternative is, frankly, rather embarrassing.

I've never been in a serious relationship, or any relationship. Well, there was that one time when I was seventeen where I met someone, asked her out (to which she reluctantly accepted) and spent two weeks chatting with online, never really seeing face-to-face. Ultimately, the whole thing ended when she informed me of how she didn't really feel like she wanted to be in a relationship right now. I accepted her request for termination and went about my days as I had done before I met her. We've never spoken since, but I hear that she and the guy she got together with a week later are still going strong.

Since then, I've breezed through life lonely as the day ma birthed me, never having much of a chance to lay with somebody in the dark. The only opportunities for bedroom activity that ever presented themselves occurred in that period of late-teenage sexual frustration, confusion and sense if experimentation wherein some blokes also seemed physically appealing considering they had a pulse. A small number of homoerotic encounters ensued, both with extremely limited degrees of intimacy that they might as well not have happened at all. Needless to say, alcohol was a significant influence there.

It's at this point in the tale, one might wonder if any of this is true at all since it seems horribly unfeasible that someone could make it to 24 having never had a lasting, functional relationship with another similarly aged person or any naughty bedroom activity that could actually be considered naughty bedroom activity. The thing one needs to bear in mind here, in that case, is that the message I'm conveying is that I'm a perpetually single, emotionally retarded, sexually inexperienced male in his mid-20s. Nobody would make that up. Heck, if anything, I should be lying by trying to convince you that I'm an extremely virile character who got laid every night he spent throughout his time at University and bragging about how many bitches I've intercoursed and how many fingers I've pussied.

According to the initial New Year prophecy I got given, two full years have now passed meaning that the love of my life that was most definitely promised to me will appear at some point over the next twelve months. With chaos now playing a much more significant role in causality than fate ever did, one could understand my scepticism here. If not, go back and read that last paragraph. Done? Good. Now do you believe me, or do I have to spell it out for you? *sigh* Fine. I'm fucking lonely. And the only thing that's kept me trundling on this long is sheer faith in the fact that things will eventually work out "one day", both in love and career. Each day, however, has presented more of a struggle than the last with what little faith and optimism I have being cut down further and further. And I feel that if I have to keep up with that spiritual struggling for another 364 days, only to see that it's kept me in that very same physically and emotionally virginic state, there may well just be no faith left to diminish.

That's why I say a massive "screw you" to any notions of a predetermined destiny and consider the possible ramifications of extending that "find a girlfriend" deadline. Over this seasonal period, a recently engaged relative (of a similar age to me, just to kick me in the balls while I'm already down with no indication of ever getting up any time soon) announced the time and place of the upcoming nuptials. A wedding in mid-2016 taking place abroad means that those who wish to attend -slash- spend a week in New York City will need to start saving around about now to get that two-and-a-half year head start as far as finances go. Don't get me wrong, I know there's a lot of cynicism in my tone today but I'm very much looking forward to such a trip. However, at the same time, I need to digress back to an extended "soulmate finding" deadline.

If I extend that deadline, that gives me two-and-a-half years to become enamoured with somebody, instead of just the one remaining year I have left under the current delusion. Takes the pressure off a bit really and means that I don't necessarily need to enter 2015 with a raucous "...and a crappy New Year" when I inevitably reach next January alone; after all, I'll still have time left before I feel like a total failure. The flip side of all this, though, is that if I do reach the late Spring of 2016 and still haven't managed to convince somebody, anybody, to spend a veritable chunk of their own personal time with me, then I'll be forced to conclude that something is most definitely wrong with me.

But still, New York though!