Priority

My dreams aren't entirely dead yet, but I often fear that they've been coffin shopping behind my back recently. This week's morbid musing stems from the fact, just as with the case of Christmas, I have taken time away from my normal work/sleep routine to visit the ever-presents of my life. Just as with the case of Christmas, my thoughts have wandered in the direction of "no direction" and how, for possibly the billionth time in my life, I realise I have no idea what I'm doing or where I'm going. Furthermore, for possibly the only time in my life, I realise that such a thought is crippling me. Not physically. That would be impossible. I mean psychologically. But you got that; you're clever, you understand hyperbole.

In an attempt to force myself out of mental cripple-dom, I've had the epiphany to start approaching life with a new mindset. One which says that I am an adult, I can do whatever I want, wherever I want, for I have no ties to any people or place. That probably sounds like a linguistic slap in the face to the people who know me, but trust me, I have reasons to justify my words. And they are reasons that I've had to keep telling myself in order, as I opened this paragraph with, stop being mentally tied down.

Over the last three years or so, I've come into contact with various people by way of university study. Some of those people have proven themselves to be smart, open-minded intellectuals. Some of them proved to be alcoholics-in-waiting. Some proved to be warm and caring, and some proved that simply opening their mouths was more than I could handle. On the other side, I've come away with, what many ex-students call, friends for life. The only issue here is that life gets in the way, as do the lives of all those other people. But still, Facebook friends for life is better than nought.

Meanwhile, back from whence I came, all the old friends I had have also sprouted lives and seem to have peeled away one by one until the only "old friends" left are few and far between. Returning to my origins would feel like taking a step back career-wise whilst not broadening my social circles. Basically, the point I'm labouring towards here is that whilst I've met, befriended and am determined to stay in contact with several people from on my travels, none of them are realistically a strong enough reason to keep me around, and ultimately, what I'm going to do for a living is my number one priority. So yeah, all point and sneer at the guy over there typing this shit. Point and sneer at his selfishness.

On that mental note of not being tied down by personal human connections, my mind is free to explore career-oriented possibilities wherever I actually want and doing whatever I want. My main problem here is that I've always been indecisive. Hell, I've stopped writing this particular load of babble three times up to now because I wasn't sure if I could be bothered with carrying on.

And that's not just a recent thing. I studied Art at school, segued into Graphic Design at university, abandoned that for retail work, found myself again with Film Production, somehow spun that into Creative Writing and have now wound up back in retail. I've enjoyed aspects of all of them, but I still don't know how I want a further career to pan out like. Over the last few days, I've even dug into mental lists of stuff I am still yet to explore. Needless to say, my browser currently has multiple tabs open that relate to the basics of Flash animation, computer coding and interactive game design and development. Evidently, I'm never satisfied.

I still have avenues I want to trundle down but somewhere along the way I need to make a living. And while making that living along the way I need somewhere to live. Before me is a vast freedom to seek out roles related to what I'm capable of right now coupled with the freedom of being able to travel wherever those roles may take me. My biggest stumbling block right now, though, is the fact that I'm a fairly social creature and would be abandoning every aspect of social life I know and have currently. Once I get over that and feel able to loosen those people ties (I would never want to cut them completely), I'll be able to embrace that freedom and that sense of the unknown in a slightly more positive light once more.

By the way, I apologise if all of that made absolutely no sense, but like I said, brain's a bit crippled right now.