Ginger Vampires

My face is terribly red. I suppose you might be wondering what embarrassing feat could've gotten my physical appearance to such a state. The simple answer to that is more embarrassing than embarrassment itself. Instead, I have to confess that I've spent time outdoors, basking in sunlight.

Normally, I'm not this bad. Normally, I can last in the warmth of the outdoors in spring for hours without any sign of passive injury. I'm suddenly overcome with fear nowadays, though. Simply being outside on a sunny day for two hours now has the same effect that two weeks in Mexico had on me in 2005. As one with ginger hair, I can naturally blame my lack of skin pigment, but I'm becoming more inclined to blame the climate and global warming and all that.

Our winters are harsher now, and our summers sunnier. The idea of setting foot outside in the colder months is nothing but laughable to me; the only reason that's made me want to go outside is the idea that I've needed to attend certain classes to keep up with this degree what it is I'm, like, studying for, innit? Being a hermit all this time leads me to believe - in a totally non-scientific way - that I'm not used to any natural sunlight at all. Therefore, cometh the days of sunshine, warmth and social merriment, the surface of my very body sizzles and smokes in a way akin to the portrayal of vampires in Buffy.

As a result of, you know, being outside/getting fresh air/existing like what normal people do, I now find it painful to raise my eyebrows - thus crinkling my forehead - or honk myself on the nose as I occasionally like to do from time to time. On the plus side, I have a very honkable nose in a "stereotypical circus clown slash Rudolph" kind of way. Actually touching it and making a sound actually hurts a lot, though. Well, the making a sound bit doesn't really hurt, just the touching my nose bit.

The whole affair puts me in a rather sympathetic mind towards ginger vampires. After all, it's awful being out in strong sunlight for gingers; even worse for vampires. Ginger vampires probably explode upon impact with "the outside". But then again, fuck 'em. Vampires aren't real. Besides, have you ever seen a ginger one in a film or cult TV show? No, because they're all moody and dark haired in an attempt to be more appealing to lonely women and 13-year-olds. In real life, I've never seen a bloke with black hair and stupidly pale skin. Pale skin belongs to gingers and albinos. (I have no idea how I've managed to wriggle people with albinism into this blog for the second post running. I'm not doing it for a bet, I promise.) Anyway, I was slagging off vampires. Where was I? Yeah, you never see a ginger vampire. At least not a male one. Who'd want to fantasise about that. A female ginger vampire, sure, but a male?

So yeah, fuck vampires. Not just hypothetical ginger ones, but all of them in general. It's alright for people watching or reading fantasy stories to see a vampire burn when he or she stays outdoors for more than five seconds. The real-world equivalent of that is ginger people. People who carry umbrellas around on dry days and slather on Factor 50 like it's a rain mac. People who sizzle as soon as the sun's rays hit them. People with enough skin-speck to look like they've got uncontrollable acne that can tan better than they themselves. Do you still want to fantasise now?

Forgive me my ramblings. I'm very lonely and burnt.