Still Here

When Internet historians in the distant 45th century take off their headsets, disable their brain chips and discover our primitive mesh of information transfer, they'll probably wonder how we managed. They'll marvel at how people had to use their fingers to manually input individual characters to spread the word. They'll wonder how a static, two-dimensional 100x100 pixels thumbnail could possibly be used to represent a person's entire personality. And when they find millions upon zillions of homebrew blogs, they be astonished at how so many people seemingly dropped dead immediately after their first and, tragically, only entry.

Back in the now-most times, however, we understand that people create blogs and neglect them very quickly when they run out of either stuff to say, energy to say it, or memory to stop and go "shit, I've still got that blog somewhere in the technological ether". I have - at one point or another - done all three. Not all at the same time, that would be ludicrous, illogical, contradictory and possibly lead to the explosion of brain matter. But at various times, I've done each of the three. As it happens, I've not been here for a while, not written for a while and if I hadn't started typing this one, those 45th century historians might've looked back at this time when I roamed the planet and naturally assume I ceased to exist at some point in early November. I didn't though, I'm still here. These words prove it. Furthermore, my brain matter is still intact as far as I can tell.

I wish I could inform the great wide everywhere that the last few months have been filled with numerous wild adventures that have prohibited me from heading over this way and actually bothering to make words about it. I wish I could tell you that I've traversed dangerous mountainsides, swam long and winding rivers, and collected all kinds of exotic treasures along the way. To be honest, I kind of have been doing that whenever dipping in and out of brand new The Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds. The real world truth, however, is that my wild adventures have amounted to nothing more than working, sleeping, occasionally eating, farting, and trying to come up with another thing to make me sound moderately interesting, but failing. This, evidently, is a feeling that has plagued my entire existence over the last however long or so.

My enthusiasm for writing something, anything in this space has waned due to a lack of exciting things to mention in the here and now, alongside a strong sense of fatigue that comes from picking up extra hours in convenience retail. In future, I may well have to rely on my past. The problem with the past is that I can barely remember it well. Hell, I don't even remember what I wrote two sentences ago, but it probably had something to do with hypothetical historians of the future or the existence of a fickle attention span. It's apparent now, though, that I'm going to have to have a sit down and good long think about things that have unfolded before my eyes over the last 24 years and pick out the interesting ones. At the risk of turning this webspace into a bad sitcom-style clip-show episode of my life, I regret to inform you that the more exciting stories aren't really happening this season. Maybe a look back into the past will remind me of how the show used to be back in its heyday whilst also attempting to improve those sinking ratings and angering the critics at the same time.

Hey, at least I've written something here this time. Don't cry to me if you find it crap. I know it's crap. This is my personal crap space where I come to write crap. My theory is that I have a certain amount of crap within me, so if I write out all the crap first, that'll only leave good stuff left to write about later. Meanwhile, all this talk about getting the crap out has made me notice that shifting sensation in my bowels so away I go now. I hope that, as you're reading this, you're now imagining me sitting on the toilet doing some natural - if a little bit icky - business, because that's actually probably where I actually am right now.